BOSTON, MA – After another goddamn victory for the Patriots, Kyle and Teresa Paige went drunkenly to Costco to buy two towels, some more Sam Adams, and a lawnmower. After they went home, Radish investigators jumped out of the bushes to interrogate them. Three of them were there, two came back, we found the other one in Boston Harbor. “Whadya mean we took the cart! We clear’y only took this big metal box thang, s’more beer, an’ this large plastic box. Shut up and get the f*&k off m’land,” Mr. Paige drunkenly stated.

The Quincy COSTCO, where this happened, is still a crime scene, not because of the cart incident, but because of a stabbing that also occurred last night.

This is a selected article from the nonexistant archives of The Radish. Originally posted 7/23/16.