JEFF BEZOS TO STEP DOWN FROM AMAZON CEO POSITION:
SEATTLE, WA – Jeff Bezos announced Tuesday his plans to step down, and his successor to Amazon. The company has become one of the greatest retailers under his leadership, and has a very cushy future. His announced successor is BezosBot, the robot under under development by Amazon’s AI department for the last six years in preparation for this moment. BezosBot will have all the knowledge and skill at business as the real Bezos does.

REP. GREENE STRIPPED OF ALL COMMITTEE ROLES:
ALPHARETTA, GA – Representative Greene was finally revealed to be an absolute dumbass with no real experience in politics whatsoever last week, after the House voted to strip her of all of her committee roles. Americans everywhere are confused as to how long the house took to figure that out, as just looking at Twitter the last week or so would have revealed everything.

FLORIDA MAN FIGURES OUT HOW TO BET HIS ENTIRE LIFE SAVINGS ON THE SUPER BOWL AND LOSE EVERYTHING:
TAMPA, FL – The Super Bowl kicked off on Sunday with absolutely no one watching in the stands. During this, a Florida man has reportedly bet his entire life savings on this one game. The Radish is almost certainly sure that he will lose, as he bet on the Kansas City Cheifs, not the Chiefs. His wife has, according to rumors, asked for a divorce and left the Green household. For more on the Super Bowl, The Radish will post a live update thread later today.