This is an adaptation from The Radish Florida (formerly the John Journals)

FORT MYERS, FL – A Fort Myers man has been arrested Sunday for assaulting neighbor Paul Randy II with a jar of Skippy Peanut Butter, after overhearing that Mr. Randy had a deathly allergy to peanuts. The man, identified as Jan Pawel, or better known as former Pope John Paul, had no criminal record and no memory of the attack, claiming that he had been “possessed”.

Mr. Pawel reportedly had a “large grudge” against his neighbor for throwing a condom into his backyard one time. We have also reported on that story here. He has stated publicly that he still thinks that Mr. Randy is still a virgin. Mr. Pawel has also reportedly trained his dog to chase down Mr. Randy when he comes home from work.

Paul Randy is now in the Cape Coral General Hospital, and will likely be discharged within four days. We have also received report that he will likely sue Mr. Pawel for personal injury and property damage.

Story by @thatonepig, written by @corvalix