Alright. So you just downloaded Risk on steam, and you need a playing guide, but can also barely read? This is for you.

Chapter I – Cheating Death
You wanna first start by consolidating your troops in one region. Preferably landlocked and completely surrounded by you. Your attack phase will be completely useless. Skip your turns for the first round and don’t do anything. For the first few rounds, you just need to sit there and consolidate your troops into one tile. Once everything is lost, you attack forwards. You spread your troops like butter, so you have an average amount of troops in every tile.

Chapter II – Jig’s up
So by now, you probably have a good four to five troops in every tile. Great! As the game advances, you want to hold a few tiles only, so that the other players can catch up. You’ll be losing troops as well, which is great to our eventual goal of bunker suicide. Now you have only a few decent tiles left, you wanna throw your troops in TWO non-connected tiles, so you can do this again. People will slowly chip away at your tiles, killing your troops. Now, why two tiles? As these two tiles arent connected, you can’t place a useful amount of troops down that will save both tiles.

Chapter III – Suicide
Everything is lost. You hide in the central city of your final tile, waiting for the enemy to storm. This is your last turn. You don’t do anything (unless you get a few troops, then just keep piling them here), and the enemy ALMOST certainly has more troops. What do you do?

War. War never changes.

Twelve years later
You emerge from your bunker for the first time in 12 years. The city is still here, surprisingly. You think for a while, then realize that you weren’t playing the game. THE GAME WAS PLAYING YOU.