FORT LAUDERDALE, FL – Fort Lauderdale Fire Department reported Sunday that the recent fire near city center has been suppressed. They stated that the fire was likely caused by its current tenant, a book enthusiast by the name Mr. Jacob Pilbury, inviting his also drunk friends over at two in the morning for a reenactment of the Ray Bradbury book Fahrenheit 451. Why F451? Nobody knows, as Mr. Pilbury is now in a coma and everyone else sustained some sort of injury.

Fort Lauderdale FD suspects that the reenactment only went on for a few minutes as, the moment they reached the “burning the bible” part, Mr. Pilbury was immediately sprayed with kerosene and a flamethrower for 2.4 seconds. The kerosene and fire reached the floor and the house went up in flames. They then sat at the table for an hour playing poker while the house burnt down. Truly the definition of “This is fine.”

The reenactment also caused two neighboring homes to burn down, but everyone evacuated safely from those. Mr. Pilbury has been sued three time since the incident.

This story is still rapidly updating. More to come on The Radish.